The Joker

News Gone Wild!

2011-01-07T06:31:00.002-05:00

Today a local television newsman reported that the Girls Gone Wild bus was going to visit a bar in a small town near here for the second year in a row. The reporter indicated that the owner of the bar said last year that she wanted the Girls Gone Wild performers at her bar to increase business during a month when there was normally a downturn in business.

Well, DUH! Imagine that--she had special guests at her bar for the purpose of increasing business. She could just as easily had a local Cincinnati Reds player or other local celebrity visit the bar for the same reason of increasing business. The fact that the newsman saw fit to report the goal was to increase business is amazing. Nothing was said about a more newsworthy subject like the locals being insensed or even having no reaction at the girls appearing locally. The true story missed again. Wow! Local business woman seeks to increase business!

Brother Bill Again

2010-09-06T10:25:00.002-04:00

My brother, Bill, was recently invited by his friend George to go with him to a show, where George was performing. Bill says George is a fantastic juggler, and makes a few extra bucks by getting little juggling jobs by advertising on Craig's List. So Bill thought it would be interesting to see George's show and went with him.

On the way to George's juggling job, they got stopped for speeding by a cop in a small town. They talked to the cop and he was a nice guy, and in the process of giving George a warning ticket, when he saw some of the knives George uses in his act on the back seat of the car. The cop put his hand on his holstered gun and told George there was a problem. George explained he was a juggler on the way to a local part to put on his act and offered to prove it by juggling the knives.

The policeman agreed to watch George do some sample juggling of knives, and they went behind the car for the demonstration. Bill said George was amazing and was juggling six knives at one time. Bill was standing on the sidewalk along with several locals, watching George do his stuff, when one of the local men, shook his head in amazement and said, "I can't believe how difficult they are making these sobriety tests!"

Brother Bill

2010-08-12T19:37:00.003-04:00

I have an older brother, Bill, who is once again single and dating. He tells me the women these days have changed from when he dated last. They are willing to talk about anything, telling him everything, which sometimes means TMI. He met a woman on a blind date recently and told me she is drop-dead beautiful. They talked for hours and at one point were talking about medical histories, and she volunteered that lately every time she sneezed, she climaxed. When Bill asked what she was taking for it, she told him, "Pepper!"

Bill is trying to start a career as a stand up comic. Now, he's pretty funny, but still thinks he has a lot to learn. He visits different comedy clubs within driving distance of his house, and they know him well enough to allow him on their stages--that's how funny he is.

Bill says that other comics are very funny and are surprisingly open to sharing tips about comedy, how to do it information, and even jokes. He met a comic named Eddie Howl recently, and told me Eddie is the funniest person he has ever met. They got to talking one night, and Eddie told Bill that he and others know so many jokes, that they have memorized the best ones and given each one a number. The idea is, they don't have to tell the whole joke when they are with each other, all they have to do is call out the number of the joke.

Well Bill had to try it, so Eddie gave him a book in which he had written his favorite funny jokes and the numbers that comics had assigned to them. Bill took several weeks to memorize the first 30 jokes in the book, and practiced them a lot at home. Last week, Eddie, Bill and some other comics were having some beers at a local bar after they had been on stage at a comedy club. The comics started telling jokes by the number, and they were all having a great time, so Bill got up his courage and called out his favorite, "22!" No one in the place laughed. That upset Bill a bit, but he decided to tell another one. "18!" he called out. Still no laughs from the other comics. Bill was almost in tears and asked Eddie why they didn't laugh, and Eddie told him, "You didn't tell them right."

Spilling Bea

2010-08-11T23:08:00.002-04:00

Many people cannot spell, and they are all around us. I have interviewed people, who could not correctly spell the name of their high school on an application for employment. To me, that indicates someone that is not too aware of things around them. Think about it, they had to pass the names of their high schools on signs every day. And what about attendance at pep rallys, where the cheer leaders lead a cheer that went, "Give me a C, give me an E, give me an N, give me a T, give me an R, give me an A, give me an L. Whataya got? CENTRAL!" Not being able to spell the name of the high school from which you graduated is a definite deal breaker when applying for a job. Some of these people even have jobs painting the word "school" on streets near schools, and unfortunately, they don't know they can't spil skul.

Fleas I have known

2010-08-11T22:43:00.003-04:00

I used to carry a small match box around in a shirt pocket and tell people my pet flea, Itchy, lived in it. Itchy was a member of a flea circus and did a high wire act along with acrobatics and the flying trapeze. I would tell people that Itchy lost a leg when he fell from the high wire... so he had a wooden leg made from a splinter. Itchy was married to a girl flea named Kitchy and they had a son named Koo. They developed a trapeze act where they tossed Koo around from trapeze to trapeze. The act was billed as Itchy, Kitchy, Koo. Adults were not too impressed with the group, but babies and little kids thought they were hilarious.

Rudi

2010-08-11T22:42:00.003-04:00

I read an article recently that talked about the irony of being a dog. Dogs have the best noses in the world, but isn’t it ironic that they also have dog breath? We have a Miniature Schnauzer named Rudi. Rudi was a pound puppy, a dog who was found for us by someone who volunteered at a county dog pound. As soon as he arrived at our house, he made it known that he is my wife, Sandy’s dog. Rudi is about 15 inches tall, and thinks he is much bigger. When the door bell rings, he starts barking. When I tell him to stop it, he stands there and huffs at door like he is trying to make himself bigger.

Rudi also thinks he is a blood hound, and is always sniffing around when we take him for a walk. Often, the thing he is trailing is something like a cricket, and I have to pull him away, so we can get on with our walk. Rudi can spend hours sniffing a cable television box or fire plug before raising his leg to contribute his message on the doggie texting post. I often wonder if he really can tell anything about the dogs that have recently visited the fire plug.

Sniff, sniff: "Oh, there’s a sweet 05 Chihuahua with a bit of tartness… and there’s that 04… no 03 Heinz 57 from up the street with a fruity bouquet." As much as I make fun of his desire to sniff around and how much he is getting from it, I was recently impressed when he was let out of his kennel recently and immediately knew Sandy had returned home after being gone for two weeks. She had silently entered the house and sat on the sofa, while I let Rudy out of his kennel. He came up the stairs and started trotting from room to room, looking for her. When he tracked her down after about 30 seconds, Rudi immediately forgave her for leaving him alone with me and our son, Travis. Dogs are great that way.

Bad Drivers and Social Workers

2010-07-11T17:56:00.003-04:00

Lately, I've noticed an unusually high number of bad drivers. I'm talking about drivers that can't do the most basic things like turn right on red or left on green when no other cars are coming. I'm talking about drivers that cannot stay in their lane when turning left or when driving down the freeway. I'm a good driver, so I honk the horn at these lane drifters. As the instructor told us in the Bad Driver School, "Make them see you by honking the horn."

Of course, Nascar has created it's own imitators, who end up being bad drivers. I watch some as they pass everybody at 90 miles an hour, never noticing the car ahead of them is only going 70 miles per hour. Inevitably, they have to slam on the brakes to keep from rearending the car ahead of them that they have been speeding toward for the last five miles. These drivers are related to drivers that speed along until they are trapped in a traffic pocket that was visible for at least half a mile.

A couple of years ago, such a high-speed driver came up in back of me as I signaled and moved my car into the far left lane of the freeway. He had changed lanes to the far right lane and then back two lanes to the far left lane where my car was. I passed the traffic, signaled and moved my car into the center lane to allow him to pass, which he quickly did. As he pulled in front of me, his female passenger climbed out of the open passenger window and sat on it with her feet still inside the car. She looked back at me and gave me the finger, evidently because I did not instantly get out of their way. I slowed my car down, so I did not hit her if she fell onto the freeway in front of me. The last thing I needed was to be blamed for driving over her doper body after she hit the pavement and bounced in front of me.

One Sunday several years ago, my wife and I passed a driver that was reading a bible he had propped up on the steering wheel of his car. I told my wife that this practice lent a whole new meaning to the term, "God is my co-pilot." This practice seems more dangerous than the routine texting, putting on nail polish or shaving one routinely sees while driving to work in the morning.

Occasionally, I see a very polite driver waiting in a line of a bunch of cars at a red light. When the traffic light changes and it's his turn to drive on, this social worker remains stopped and gestures for cars to pull out of a parking lot on his right. So polite he is. Of course, the people in the ten cars behind him have to wait while he is polite to one or several cars. "Screw you, drivers behind me. Sorry you will miss this light and have to set through it again. But I made it."

Afraid of the Dentist

2010-07-11T17:25:00.002-04:00

Have you seen the television commercial for people who are afraid to go to the dentist? One woman in it says she is afraid of the dentist because "I can't stand needles, and dentists don't understand."

Now here's the problem: In order to treat people who haven't seen the dentist in years and do major, painful work, they give them IV sedation, which involves a needle. "Are you afraid of needles? We can take care of that--with a needle. Yep, we're going to have to needle you."

Envisioning Crap

2010-07-11T17:05:00.000-04:00

There were several boxes piled in the back hall at work. The brand name of the toilet paper in the boxes was Envision. Here was another example of a strange name for a product. What would you be envisioning when you used it, yourself on the pot? Why don't they use a name that describes the use of the product, such as Wipe It Clean. Then a person would have at least a start on the purpose of the product. Get that crap out of there.

Loud Talk

2010-07-11T16:59:00.001-04:00

She was one of those people, who ended every sentence with an emphasis by making the last word louder and a bit higher in tone."I can check my EMAIL. I can pay my BILLS. I can call my FRIENDS." I guess it's so you know the sentence is ending. Sort of a verbal period. She could just as easily say the word "period" on the end.

Giving Up For Lent

2010-02-28T16:58:00.003-05:00

After a great deal of thought, I have decided for Lent, I am giving up giving up things. Some people go on diets and give up certain foods, but I am giving it all up.

Speaking of food, I ate two DQ Chicken Wraps in my car on a trip. When I looked down, I had eaten part of the paper that contained the chicken wrap. Then, I did the same thing on the second one. It's pretty bad when you can't tell the wrapping paper from the wrap.

The Hypocondriac

2010-02-23T22:48:00.001-05:00

A hypocondriac goes to his psychiatrist and tells him, "Doc, I hurt in two places." The psychiatrist responds, "Then don't go there." Pretty deep advice when you think about it.

Two Kinds of People

2010-02-23T22:40:00.003-05:00

There are two kinds of people in this world. Those who believe there are two kinds of people and those who don't.

A lot of snow

2010-02-19T18:23:00.002-05:00

It had snowed several hours, so I went outside and shoveled the snow off our driveway. It was a lot of snow. Afterward, I watched the local news program on television. They were devoting extra broadcast time to the new white stuff; and had a number of reporters around the city showing us the conditions in their locations. Time and time again, we looked at the local sidewalks, roads and traffic. At the end of all of the reporting, I could only conclude that we had a lot of snow.

Tiger, Tiger, Burning Bright

2010-02-19T18:15:00.003-05:00

Opinion Poll

Do you think Tiger Woods' apology was sincere?

Do you really think your opinion means didly squat?

Comedy of Errors

2009-12-06T17:05:00.002-05:00

My questionnable quick wit sometimes gets me in trouble. Since my early teens, my mind has looked at life situations in two ways, the normal way, and the humorous way. I fell in love with adult limericks and puns the moment I first discovered them and realized the average person could come up with them.

As I became older, I discovered more and more subjects of adult humor, and at times, a quick quip or smart remark left my lips before my inner censor could stop it.

One of the earliest potentially troublesome jokes came about when we were playing Trivial Pursuit for the first, and only time, as it turned out. While I am good at some games, I discovered I was not good at Trivial Pursuit. It always seemed the others got the easy questions, while I got ones that no one could answer.

The smark remark that should never have happened, happened as a result of the question, "What was the name of the practical joker, who waved Richard Nixon's campaign train past its stop in San Francisco?"

What the hell kind of a question was that, and who might have even a clue as to the correct answer? And the answer was, "Dick Tuck!" "Dick Tuck," I commented, "Sounds like a plastic surgery procedure." Of course, we were playing the game with a couple of my wife's teacher friends, who were the pillars of their church. I managed to get away with it only because they ignored me or did not understand me. Just lucky, I guess.

My wife recently reminded me of another foot-in-the-mouth situation I managed to squeek through, only because her teacher friends ignored me or were too embarassed comment. We were at the annual Christmas party for the teachers at her school. The conversation before dinner involved several different subjects, and one of them was our different allergies. One teacher commented that she hated to get certain magazines because the Scratch And Sniff perfume sample cards inside the magazines, caused her to sneeze and cough.

I think my return comment would never had left my lips if I had just taken the time to run it by my internal censor. I said, "I wonder if a smelly card like that was in Playboy Magazine, it would be called Snatch And Sniff."

You Bought What?

2009-12-01T20:02:00.005-05:00

Car names have always puzzled me. How do they get them? Why do they pick the ones they pick? Why can't some dealers pronounce the brand name of the car they are selling?
Then there are the names of different car models. Perhaps the old rumor is true that there are no more good names left, that they have already been taken and legally reserved. So they use names that are left over or them make them up. If that is the case, why aren't they using the good names instead of those they think sound good? You may remember the joke about the Ford Aspire in that aspired to be a better car. Then there is the Armada. Is that supposed to imply that the car is part of a group of Spanish battleships that were destroyed by the British navy?

We have named cars after colors or things related to colors. The Toyota Sienna is an example. Of course, sienna is a kind earth used as a pigment in paint. It is yellowish-brown in color. Knowing that, one could drive a white earth. They must have picked the name because they thought it sounded cool. The Neon is another example. Yes, Charlie bought a black Neon. The Chevy Cobalt is still another example. Cobalt is another pigment, which is blue, and cobalt blue is a deep blue. So why would someone drive a yellow Cobalt?

Other names make no sense at all. Is the Dodge Nitro supposed to be dangerously explosive? Is the Subaru Tribecca for those who want to gamble that is a good car? Will the Ford Flex bend itself to pieces? Where did the name of Ford's Edge come from and does it mean if you drive it, your teeth will be set on edge? Does anyone know exactly what Eos means and how that relates to driving?

There are car models that evidently have numbers and letters on them because the manufacturers cannot find any new cool names. Some are: RX 350, MKX, SC 430, RX8, 328i, tC, CLS 500. They might just as well have used TLC, DDT, OK, PDQ, ICU, RU12?, and IM4UK.

Then there are the dealers, who put their people on radio and television that cannot pronounce the names of their cars. There was a dealer sales rep, who called the Chevrolet a Chev-a-let. A Ford advertiser called the Explorer a Explore. Recently, I heard an upscale Toyota sales manager call it a Tota. There is also a local dealer who calls his business "A business a character." I wondered if he was supposed to be the character.

If you are going to buy a new car soon, can I suggest the Burnt Sienna Cobalt Neon Eos Aspire? It is a real humdinger.

For Sale

2009-11-29T13:32:00.003-05:00

A friend works downtown in one of those big office buildings. The recent economy has caused a number of people to start little vending businesses on the streets of the city, and one man is now selling shoe laces for $1.00 a pair outside my friend's office building. Several weeks ago, my friend started giving him a $1.00 each day, but not taking the shoe laces. It became his project to help this man by giving him the dollar. The other day, as he was coming into work, he gave the man the usual $1.00, and the man ran after him saying, "Sir, I don't want to bother you, but shoe laces have gone up to $1.25."

Cab Lie

2009-11-26T12:43:00.002-05:00

I saw two Yellow Cabs this week. One was white and one was red. What were they thinking? You can't count on anything these days. It used to be that all Yellow Cabs were yellow. In the interest of honesty, I think they should change their name to Non-Yellow Cab.

Payor Beware

2009-11-26T10:54:00.002-05:00

On a recent local newscast the talking head mentioned a local county that had paid a local vendor several times for the same service. An auditor had caught the several overpayments.

The newsperson stated the county was going to conduct an investigation of the vendor to see how this could have happened. What about the county accounts payable person, who had overpaid the extra billings in the first place? Duh?

Slots

2008-10-05T06:49:00.003-04:00

I have discovered an afinity for slot machines. I like them... and I even win on them... sometimes. But I put it all back. Do I have a gambling problem? I don't think so. I limit my losses to $20 per hour, 24 hours a day.

I am an equal opportunity gambler. I have lost money in some of the nicest casinos in the world. I do wonder about the tacky themes some slot machines have. Who thinks these things up? There are James Bond slots, Dukes of Hazard slots, western theme slots, Chinese motif slots, cartoon slots, monster slots. At least there is enough taste not to use themes that are in very bad taste. There are no Charles Manson slots or Pearl Harbour slots. Mass murder does not attract money to slots unless it involves vampires, wolfpeople or zombies.

And the noise in the slot area of a casino is a mixture of bells, whistles, explosions, sirens, screams, and laughter that creates an unimanigible din, which floats out of the casino room and almost overpowers you with its intensity. But you get used to it, become entranced by it, entangled in its power; and it is not until you leave the casino slot room that you are aware of how peaceful the sound of daily life can be.

I don't got the Blues

2007-04-08T17:53:00.000-04:00

Hearing creative Blues song titles got me thinking. What might be inappropriate Blues song titles? How about, "I'm your happy man blues"? Or Just call me flypaper, cause I'm stuck on you blues"? Or, "I'm singing the blues, but I'm red hot about you"? Or, "Thank goodness, I broke up with you before you broke up with me blues"?

Dead Celebrity Syndrome

2007-02-17T07:46:00.000-05:00

The circus of reactions to the recent tragic death of yet another former beauty queen is amazing. While not creating the same intense reactions the death of the exwife of the potential figurehead of England did, it is every bit as amazing.

What did this woman do to warrant such interest in her life and death? She was a former beauty queen, who married a really old billionaire. When he died, she and his family had a battle over his money. She made a really bad movie and was a the subject of a really bad television show. The up-and-down shifts in her weight were the butt of many jokes. After a certain point, her life was pretty dysfunctional. The birth of her baby and the death of her adult son within weeks of each other simply point out that dysfunctionality. And now, several men want to claim they are the baby's father.

The preoccupation people have with these recent events simply points out how far we have descended in our interests. Tragedies and dysfunction amongst clebrities are real life soap operas. No need to watch something that has been made up, when you can be entertained by Truly Amazing Celebrity Stories. And now, you can watch spouses switching families, people of different sexes decorate their homes, and also body, clothing and home makeovers. Even wonderful old televisioin shows have been affected. This Old House has become This Old Expensive And Unaffordable House.

I am waiting for reality shows to begin showing lives of the uneducated and unemployed, or addicted nobodies, or homeless alcoholics, stupid criminals, or prostitutes on the street. Wait, I guess Cops and Freaky Car Chases already do that.

Paint a Picture

2007-02-08T20:10:00.000-05:00

Have you bought paint lately? I went to the paint store the other day and tried to match the color of a shed. It is just a white shed, so I did not think there would be any problem. Was I ever surprised. It seemed they had every color of white but one that matched white.

And the names of the colors. There's Pure White, and Eggshell White, and even an Off White. I think they ought have more fun with colors. What about Pasty White, or Ghost White or White As A Sheet? Whiteout White sounds like another fun color.

And why not a Pee Yellow? We already have Pea Green, so why not Vomit Green? Sad Blue sounds like a winner to me? How about In The Red to cover businesses that are losing money. Black And Blue would be a great color for a post-operative patient's room. And Nausea Yellow might not sell well, but it would accurately describe that special color we see when getting ready to toss our cookies.

I have barely scratched the surface. There are many opportunities for the creative use of paint color names. Some of them could be quite creative. Winnie The Poo Brown is the creative combining of two entirely different things to say something that is safe and a bit risque at the same time. I am sure you can think of lots of other wonderfully weird paint names. Just don't send them to me. My stomach is queasy enough without any help.

IRS Marketing

2007-02-08T19:57:00.000-05:00

Have you seen the latest IRS handout? It is an envelope size paper that reads, "We have money that's probably yours. Please come and get it. Thanks a bunch, the IRS." The illustration accompanying it is a large white bag, with money falling out.

Does anyone see the irony in this? "We have money that's probably yours." Yes, you certainly do! There's no probably about it. Over the years, you have taken a lot of money that is mine. And then they taunt us by saying, "Please come and get it." I'd love to come and get it, but that is illegal. They won't even let me file late without some sort of penalty. I'll bet if you went to an IRS office, it would be in a building with metal detectors and guards at all of the entrances. Please come and get it. Yeah, right.

And then the ending, "Thanks a bunch, the IRS." The obvious meaning to this is to thank us for the laughter they got while writing the ad and from the subsequent thinking about us poor slobs trying to come and get it. I imagine they get a lot of laughs from picturing us in handcuffs, being led away to a Federal prison.

Resolutions I can Keep

2007-01-02T21:24:00.000-05:00

On New Year’s Eve, many of us make resolutions that we are certain to break. Why not make some resolutions that you will never, ever, ever break? Here are some resolutions I will never break.

I will not to wash a dog in church.
I will not pinch a gorilla on the butt.
I will not stuff cheese in my ears.
I will not swim in syrup.
I will not nail my foot to the ceiling.
I will not blow my nose on a jellyfish.
I will not paint my fingernails with atomic waste.
I will not scratch a match on a gasoline pump.
I will not drive my car into a volcano.
I will not stuff a whale up my nose.
I will not catch fish with my tongue.

French Women

2006-12-21T06:08:00.000-05:00

I recently saw an advertisement for two books about French Women. One had in the title that French women do not get fat. The other said they were for all seasons. First of all, I cannot imagine books about French women selling many copies in the US.
The subject suggested to me that there might be more creative titles in this area, such as one about French women needing to bathe. And one about French women not shaving their pits. How about French women as winos? Or French women's breaths smelling like snails. French women for all seasons? How about French women for salt, or pepper, or hot pepper. Those are seasons or seasonings, I guess. I suppose every nationality has pros and cons, but one about the French seemed to invite arrows.

Expired and Inspired

2006-06-15T21:21:00.000-04:00

The old question about why is there a need for expiry dates on bottled water got me to thinking about related things. Of course, anything sold to be consumed by mouth has to have an expiry date, even though it may not appear to need it. In the case of bottled water, which is also sold by the case, the expiry date may be needed because the plastic bottle might eventually leach something into the water. I really am not sure about that, but do remember seeing something recently that stated microwaiving some plastics could deposit harmful things in the food.

What if humans had expiry dates? The actual date you were scheduled to expire would be printed on your forehead. Of course, we really cannot predict this, but if we could, would it change the way we live? Setting aside all the discriminatory things that might happen and political correctness, I wonder what behaviors might be different if everyone knew the dates of their deaths.

If a person were religious, would that person be more tempted to stray from the straight and narrow? “Well, I’ve got 35 more years to live, and have plenty of time to repent.”

A woman, who was already concerned about her reproductive clock ticking, would be even more concerned if she knew her actual expiry date had an even shorter fuse. A man would have the same concern about passing on his biological legacy if he knew his expiry date was shorter than average.

And what about those really healthy people? Would they be tempted to eat right, exercise and get plenty of sleep, knowing that it would really not make a bit of difference? When you stop to think about it, good health is really just the slowest rate at which we can die.

I imagine some people would choose to live wild lifestyles. “Eat, drink and be merry because next year, I am gone.” Others would choose to make a difference, because every second would count as the clock ticked down like the LED readout on a time bomb in an adventure movie. Would some people panic and run wildly through the streets as they faced the last roller coaster ride? Denial can be tough.

What would work best would be to have a changing date based on each person’s lifestyle. Eat right, exercise right and get plenty of sleep, and watch the date on your forehead cycle a few more years ahead.

Come to think of it, people pretty much remain the same. If people knew the dates of their deaths, they probably would react as they do now, but perhaps with more intensity. We already know that certain aspects of our lifestyles can lengthen our lives, but many of us do not choose to do anything about it. I wonder if knowing the date could be extended and seeing it happen would change much at all.

Technology

2006-06-15T21:17:00.000-04:00

How about all of the new gadgets and toys we have today. I can’t keep up with half of them. My wife has Onstar for her car. I have mixed emotions about it. You have heard all of the ads. If you lock yourself out of your car, the folks at Onstar will unlock it for you. Now you are SOL if your digital phonebook is locked in the car, too. Maybe it’s a good thing, but I don’t know. Do they keep records, and laugh at you if you lock yourself out of the car several times. “I don’t believe that fool. He’s locked himself out of his car three times in the last month. What a loser!”

Certainly, if you have an accident, you will probably be glad they are there for you. They actually come on the car’s speakers and ask if you are OK, and call emergency people. You have heard the advertisements. The man or woman has had the gas bag go off in the face, has maybe had some injuries, and is thanking the Onstar person profusely for their help. The Onstar person responds with, “No problem.” No problem? I just hit a tree, and you say, “No problem.” And do they talk about you after the accident? “Hey, remember the guy who locked himself out of the car three times last month? He just hit a tree!”

I was looking in a clothing catalog the other day. Do you know they now have clothing that will repel mosquitoes? It’s something special they put in the fabric. Pants, shirts…just put them on, and mosquitoes will not bother you. I wonder how long it lasts. The ad did not say. But what if you wore something a lot and washed it a lot of times, so it was comfortable and old? Would it still work, or would it only repel old mosquitoes?

Official and Politically Correct

2006-06-10T14:46:00.000-04:00

It’s official. In our state, we are not allowed to advertise the job title, Foreman. It has to a neutral title, like Foreperson. We are not allowed to even advertise Foreman with M/F EOE after it.

This announcement came through my email from on high. Some adult person spent a part of a wordday to make sure we understood this, so we could advise employers whenever they might go astray.

This got me wondering and wandering into the realm of absurdity. I wonder if George Foreman will now have to advertise his grills as The George Foreperson Grill. And if he did, will this simple and politically correct change increase sales? What about the name of the person in charge of the George Foreperson Grill production line… would that person be the foreperson at the George Foreperson Grill factory? These all are important issues to consider.

My Name is Doctor

2006-06-10T14:40:00.000-04:00

“My name is Doctor Charles McSpleen.” I heard it on a radio commercial again today. “My name is Doctor Charles McSpleen. I work at Fixemup Hospital, where we provide the best patient care, because we have the best staff.”

I wanted to yell at the radio, “Your first name is not Doctor, it is Charles, unless you have legally changed it! You are Doctor Charles McSpleen, but your first name is not Doctor!” What is it with doctors? They seem to be the main ones doing the first name is their profession bit. Occasionally, a priest or other minister might say, “My name is Father John Reverent,” but even that is rare.

What if the rest of us used our profession as our first name? We would end up with radio and television commercials like, “My name is Auto Dealer John Bargain.” The possibilities are endless. “My name is Nurse Ima Caring.” “My name is Laborer Hardy Work.” “My name is Zookeeper Monk Business.” “My name is Attorney Will Suem.”

The business of using occupations as names came into common usage hundreds of years ago with last names like, Smith, Miller, Foreman, Potter, Saylor, Driver, and Weaver. There are also families with the last name of Doctor. If someone in the Doctor family became a doctor and did a radio commercial, think how foolish it would sound if she said, “My name is Doctor Wendy Doctor.” Come to think of it, it already sounds foolish.

Because

2006-05-27T22:19:00.000-04:00

A recent radio advertisement for foster parenting stated: "Why become a foster parent? Because you can." What bland slogan. Why become a rapist? Because you can? Why cheat at cards? Because you can. Why beat your spouse? Because you can.

A friend once told me of a Philosophy final that had one question: "Why?" The students wrote and wrote, but only one got an A grade. His answer was: "Because."

Reality Games

2006-05-21T16:40:00.000-04:00

Saw the wonderful sport of Extreme Dodgeball on TV today. Thought that they must be hard up for sports subjects to be scraping the barrel with that one. Guess the Curling champtionships are over and the only thing to watch is baseball, which is about as interesting as watching grass mowing.

This got me thinking about other games and and sports that might be shown on TV. Sports of the same caliber as Dodgeball and Curling. What about Celebrity Solitare? That would certainly make an exciting game to watch. The spiders would probably fall out of their webs from bordom while they were making them and watching.

Another sport that is begging to be discovered is Extreme Marbles. But in order to make it interesting, it should be played with one hand while the other hand was playing tiddley winks.

Extreme Leaf Raking and Jumping would also make an interesting sport. Once the leaves were raked into several piles, some would have bits of broken glass, nails and five dollar bills in them. Contestants would jump into the piles. Some would be injured; others would make it through safely. To make it really interesting, the piles of leaves could be burning when the contestants jumped it. It would add a little smoke and spice to the games, making them truly survivor games.

Basically

2006-05-19T20:30:00.000-04:00

The word "basically," when used to begin a sentence, is basically a useless word. And yet, one hears it all of the time. "Well George, basically, we are going to have hot dogs, hamburgers and potato salad for our picnic." "Basically, we want to build a shopping center." "Basically, we want to go to the ball game." If you eliminate basically from the beginning of any sentence, there is no loss. "We want to go to the ball game." In fact, the sentence is stronger.

The word is intended to be used to describe something at its basic or most simple level, something that at its foundation or base, and something at its core. "I am basically a happy hippie." "He is basically a weak-willed old fart." "A farmer, is basically a man outstanding in his field."

The problem begins when basically becomes a verbal tic, like "you know" or "uh". "Basically, we want you stick your head in a pile of manure." "Basically, we think you are ugly. You want a second opinion? Basically, your personality sucks, too." "Basically, you will never make anything of yourself. Basically, you will make poor marriage choices, and basically, you will wake up one day, a failure."

It is obvious that the statement, "You basically suck to the core of your being." sounds much better than the wimpy "Basically, you suck."

That is basically all I have to say about that.

Substitutions

2006-05-18T14:56:00.000-04:00

Ever notice the words people substitute in place of the word, “yes”? Absolutely!

“Do you want some grated cheese on that?”

“Absolutely!”

“You seem a bit down today.”

“Absolutely.”

“It really pisses me off to see the price of gas go over $3.00 a gallon!”

“Absolutely.”

The other yes replacement word is exactly.

“So, after you add sugar, you stir until the mixture thickens?”

“Exactly.”

“Your mother is so fat, when she sits on a quarter, she gets change.”

“Exactly.”

“Is the paper shredder broken again?”

“Exactly.”

“Boy, we sure whipped the pants off of the Cards last night.”

“Absolutely.”

Wouldn’t it be so much easier to say, “Yes” or “Uh huh” instead of changing the response to “Exactly” or “Absolutely”?

And while I am at it, where did the words, “You’re Welcome” go. Now, if you thank someone for something, the response is often, “No problem.” I don’t thank someone because I think I caused a problem. I thank people because it is polite. The “no problem” response strikes me as though the person thinks he is doing me an exceptional favor to do his job and serve me. “Thank you for waiting on me.” “No problem. Well, actually it was, because I was hung over from the party last night.”

No problem? Get over yourself. Absolutely.

The Princess' Old Clothes

2006-05-14T20:00:00.000-04:00

Former Princess Diana's wedding dress has come to the US and is on tour! You can see it in a number of places; however, our most local viewing place is Dayton, Ohio, where one can see it for $25.00. The wedding dress of the ex-wife of the potential figurehead of England. What a thrill. I can see my wife and me taking four hours and spending $50.00 plus a tank of gas (at least another $50.00)to gaze on the former Princess' old clothes. This has got to be the modern version of the old story about the King's new clothes. If you think crime is on the decrease, you should think again.

Radio

2006-04-21T20:48:00.000-04:00

What is it about radio that causes people to call in to their favorite stations, singing their praises? Perhaps it is the same attraction as writing a blog. The people who call in say the most odd things sometimes.

A current ad on a local station has a listener saying it is her favorite station because of all the stations she listens to, it is the only one that has content to which she does not object. Does the comment mean she still listens to stations which play things to which she objects?

This lady reminds me of the old joke about the old lady who was talking to her friend about the obscene phone call she received. When the friend asks what happened, she replied that the man said the most nasty things... for a whole hour!

Another station has a listeners' club with points and prizes going to the members. Who could ever imagine that such a club would be successful; but it is ever successful. One man even called in and was recorded as saying he and his wife were both members He says, "I don't use it much, but my wife is on it all the time." Such exciting stuff to brag about and use in an advertisement.

Signs of Spring

2006-04-04T20:59:00.000-04:00

Spring is sprung.
The grass has riz.
I wonder where
my lawn mower is.

Where I left it
in the fall,
I can't remember,
not at all.

Now I'm looking
in the Spring.
I can't remember,
not a thing.

There, I've found it.
Oh, such fun.
Work the starter.
It won't run.

The French

2006-03-31T18:41:00.000-05:00

In the news recently, was the uproar in France about a new labor law, allowing French employers to terminate the employment of younger workers during their first year of employement.

Most French workers hold a permanent contract and can plan to hold their jobs until retirement. Employers who want to fire a worker must give three months’ notice to most employees, pay fines to the state and provide up to three years’ severance pay.

French workers have threatened to go on strike if the Prime Minister signs the new law into effect. The question is, will anyone notice that they are not working?

You Might Be A Terrorist If.....

2006-02-26T18:08:00.000-05:00

You have to use a password to go to the bathroom.

When you say you worked in the mines, you did not mean with coal.

You think of Camel as the "other red meat."

You can roll cigarettes in the dark, while watching a video about how to flog your back with chains.

You Might Be A Terrorist If.....

2006-02-10T20:40:00.000-05:00

You Might Be A Terrorist If.....

You might be a terrorist if you carry bomb-making instructions in your wallet.

You might be a terrorist if you have an autographed picture of Sadam Hussein.

You might be a terrorist if you have a tattoo that says, "I Love Osama" or "Israel Sucks!"

You might be a terrorist if you can make bandages with your turban.

You might be a terrorist if you know five places in your town where you can hide indifinately.

You might be a terrorist if you can dig a tunnel with a spoon.

You might be a terrorist if you have a Humvee on blocks in your backyard.

You might be a terrorist if you have ever used your rifle as a backscratcher.

You might be a terrorist if your favorite color is camouflage.

You Might Be A Terrorist If.....

2006-02-07T20:51:00.000-05:00

You might be a terrorist if you accept after hours credit card phone solicitations from strangers with foreign accents.

You might be a terrorist if your mother can field strip a rocket launcher in under a minute.

You might be a terrorist if your girlfriend stores diesel fuel and fertilizer under her bed for you.

You might be a terrorist if you think sex with 50 virgins after your death is better than sex with a woman while you are both living.

You might be a terrorist if you can think of 50 uses for pins saved from exploded hand grenades.

You might be a terrorist if you have read a book on digging tunnels.

You might be a terrorist if you have ever visited the United States without going through Customs.

You might be a terrorist if you ever plotted to overthrow your kindergarten teacher.

The Criminal Mind

2006-02-05T21:30:00.000-05:00

Recently, three men in their early twenties were in the drive in lane at a fast food restaurant. They were viewing a pornographic movie on the car's DVD player. Behind them in another car was a mother, her eight year old daughter and the mother's 90 year old mother. They all were exposed to the DVD movie and called the police. The police came and arrested the young men for a violation of a law regarding public indecency.

As it turned out, one of the passengers in the car had three open warrants for his arrest. One of the other passengers was discovered with a funny cigarette in his shirt pocket, so was also charged with another law violation. One has to question the intelligence of these three young men. Certainly, intelligence is not a requirement to break the law.

Years ago, I sat on a grand jury for three weeks. The only place that was open late at night in a certain high crime area was a well-known restaurant chain. Over and over, the police caught criminals in the restaurant parking lot, because it was a gathering place to buy drugs or buy and sell stolen property. The police knew this, but the local bad boys evidently did not.

While I served on the grand jury, the director of security from a local bank came in to testify regarding the theft of money from a woman's credit card. One hundred dollars was withdrawn from her credit card account on three separate occasions. The thief turned out to be the woman's roommate, who did not realize that her picture was being taken every time she withdrew money from the account. She swore unsuccessfully that the three pictures were not of her, but of someone who looked just like her. Intelligence is not a prerequisite to a life of crime. That's why it is so easy sometimes to catch criminals.

My Mother Was Right

2006-02-04T17:35:00.000-05:00

My Mother Was Right

There are certain things all mothers say. “Don’t frown, your face will freeze that way!”, is just one of many motherly sayings. Now that I am older, I have discovered my mother was right, but not in the way I thought. I always thought she meant my face would freeze into a frown right then, so I didn’t believe her.

The truth, we all get wrinkles, and our major wrinkles come as the result of the paces we put our faces through. Those who laugh a lot have laugh lines on their faces. Those who squint a lot, have squint lines next to their eyes. Those who frown a lot, have frown lines on their foreheads and other places on their faces.

My mother was right. My face has frozen into wrinkles that mark the major activities I have done with it. I am glad I laughed more than I did many other things. I also wish I had not made so many faces over the years at kids.

Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow

2005-12-29T10:20:00.000-05:00

This morning, I saw a woman walking down the street. That, in itself, is not unusual; however, as she walked away, she presented an unusual view. Her hair had been tinted or streaked in sections, but the way she combed it, it looked blonde on one side and light brown on the other. I wanted to go after her and tell her how strange this looked, but realized this might cause a problem.

Me: “Mam, uh, hi, are you aware your hair on the back of your head is brown on the left and blonde on the right?”

Her: “Leave me alone, you @#!$%&, or I’ll call the cops!”

What clinched staying out of it, was the memory of seeing another woman this morning at our coffee stand. Her hair was in cornrows, but her black hair was interwoven with red hair or something that looked like red hair. Another woman came up behind her and complimented her on her look. She then said she thought the woman’s hair might also look good in blue and black. The woman responded by saying the previous color had been blue and black.

Back in the 60’s, the Beatles started it all with their mop heads, beards and moustaches. Before that, styles might have been a bit strange at times, but were nothing like we have today. Today, one can go shopping and see almost any style, from sideburns, to deliberately bald, to long, to short, to blue, to badly streaked, to Santa Claus beards, to red and blue cornrows.

Yes, I think it was a wise decision not to go after that woman on the street. If I had caught up with her, she might have snatched my head bald. Hmmmm, I wonder how that would look.

Are Children Off Limits?

2005-12-07T18:40:00.000-05:00

Today the news told us that a shopkeeper posted a sign on his door asking parents to control their children while in the store. That sign has caused a controversy, evidently because it is not child friendly or because some parents are insulted because their poor little dears seem to be criticized.

After nearly being run down by poor little dears in stores several times recently, I have no sympathy for the objectors. Yes, it is hard to control children, but that is the parents' job. I went through the same thing with my child, but I managed to do it.

Now, I really take issue with the people who turn four or five children loose in Walmart, letting them run at will. The other day, I watched two boys each take a toy rubber snake and play with them by putting them in their mouths, stretching them and letting them snap back. There were many toothmarks in the snakes, and when the boys tired of their game, they put the snakes back and went on their way to possibly damage something else. I embarassed them by telling others what they had done. But then, if I did not parent them, who else would. I'm funny that way.

Let's Face It

2005-12-07T18:32:00.000-05:00

A french woman recently had a partial face transplant after being attacked by her dog. Today, I read that there is all sorts of debate about the ethics of the surgery, because while this was a partial transplant, full facial transplants are just right down the road.

One quote indicated that the procedure contemplated "raises very interesting questions about personal identity, and how people think of themselves. That raises questions about the psychological and psychiatric risks, and we don't know what those are. We don't know how to communicate to people what it would be like to completely have a new face." Well Duh!

Let's face it, we did not know alot about heart transplants and other transplants that followed. That did not prevent us from trying them out. The woman, who had a partial facial transplant obviously would have had some psychological issues with half of her face being torn off. It appears that it is ok to have the skin on your rear end replaced as the result of it being burned off, but that is your butt. Your face is a different end entirely. Get off it people. The woman deserves her chance.

Inquiry

2005-11-28T08:31:00.000-05:00

I work in a state office, somewhere in the US. We receive all sorts of emails. This is representative of some we receive:

Bill had received an "invitation" to visit the local office and not thinking government offices closed he went this morning. He said there was a sign on the door to go online to register for benefits. I told him this meant to get a check processed, not to sign in instead of the 'visit'. Please note Bill went to the office today and will return next week when open. Thank you and good wishes.

His Secretary - Wife"

Of course, Bill's secretary - wife did not indicate Bill's name or anything else about Bill, which could identify him. She, at least, left her email addy, so contact can be made that way if she is at home and online. Now whether we can contact Bill, that's another story.

Dilbert Lives

2005-11-22T10:15:00.000-05:00

A friend is a manager in a large office that is filled with cubicles. Because he is a manager, his cubicle has higher walls, and is next to the cubicle of another manager. There is no soundproofing, and he often hears very interesting conversations over the wall between their offices.

Recently, an employee came into the office of the manager next door. He had some serious health concerns he wanted to discuss. Tests that involved going to a hospital were scheduled and could involve immediate surgery on a major body organ. The employee went on to pour out some of his concerns about the test and his hopes that everything would work out well.

During the several minutes the conversation took place, the manager just listened and did not say a thing, until there was a pause. His one comment was, “We need to talk about this later. Right now, I need to make a phone call.” There was dead silence for a few seconds as the employee evidently left the manager’s office. Then the manager picked up the phone and made a short phone call.

My friend said he wondered how the employee felt about his manager’s response, and what kind of medical problem might have evoked a more empathetic response from the manager next door. Perhaps if the employee had said, “The doctor says I have three days to live,” there would have been more spoken empathy. The reaction certainly would have been different, if the employee had said, “My heart may explode at any moment. Just wanted you to know, in case I get blood on the carpet.”

What's In A Name?

2005-11-22T09:25:00.000-05:00

I pass by the office cubie of a Tawnee Starr every day. When I first saw her name on the outisde of the office, I thought that names often strike a chord with people and create a picture of the owner. Well, Tawnee struck me as a 25 year old, single, blond bombshell, who might have worked in a strip club at one time before settling down and getting a regular job.

The reality is that Tawnee is 50ish, matronly, wears glasses and is a grandmother. Not imagined reality today. However, it may have been reality 25 years ago.

A High School Education

2005-11-22T07:39:00.000-05:00

Over the years, I have interviewed hundreds of people for employment. There are many stories that go with these interviews. There have been a number of employment applications on which there have been words misspelled. I could often ignore the misspelling if it was not important to the position. There was one type of misspelling I could never ignore. When the individual misspelled the name of the high school he attended, it always caught my attention because it indicated to me a more serious problem. It indicated a problem with focus.

I cannot imagine someone attending high school and not learning the name of the institution. He had to go past the school’s name posted on a wall, perhaps several times a day. That had to register by osmosis. And what about attending a pep rally for his school, call it Smith High. The cheerleaders always have a participatory cheer that goes, “Give me an S, give me an M, give me an I, give me a T, and give me and H.” Surely the repetition of the high school’s name would have registered itself somewhere. If not, I did not want to hire the applicant. He might forget where we was working or how to find his way there.

It's Only Lunch

2005-11-20T19:34:00.000-05:00

I read recently about a new company, created in New York City for the sole purpose of setting up lunch meetings for busy singles. It seems these professional singles are so busy they do not have the time to do all of the work necessary to establish a dating relationship with someone of the opposite sex. So the new company gets the personal information on each of its customers and matches the men and women up for lunch dates.

This may seem like a great idea, but if you think about it, it is a stupid one. If the people participating in the lunches do not have the time to do the work necessary to find others to date, how will they have the time to invest in any sort of meaningful relationships?

Readers Write

2005-11-13T06:36:00.000-05:00

It has always amused me to read the letters readers send in to the editors of magazines. Who are these people anyway; and why do they think anyone cares about their impressions of certain pictures or articles that have appeared in past issues?

Readers of magazines usually write to the editor to praise or complain about a past article or the accuracy of it. The reader of a teen magazine might write about how thrilling it was to read about like the latest boy band. Make up techniques are always something which get a lot of positive feedback, especially from the young male readers.

"Your article in the October 2005 issue of Amazing Scrapbooking took my breath away. The technique of twisting baby hair into shapes of body parts is one that I cannot wait to use at my next scrapbooking party. I have been saving the hair from all of my children and grandchildren for over 40 years, waiting for the right time and way to display it. My hat's off to you!"

"The picture of the restored '58 Rambler brought back fond memories of my '58 Rambler. It was "Bastard Pink" and my first car. The reclining seats were revolutionary for the time and helped me give many a young chick the time of her life... if you know what I mean."

"I enjoyed the recent article about raising squirrels for fun and profit. I would like to point out that you omitted a period at the end of the second sentence of the 40th paragraph, after the words 'Flying squirrels don't really fly'. The beauty of the imagery of one of these wonderful creatures on a glide path through a forest of magnificent Pig Hickory trees was marred by this oversight. Keep up the good work; and watch your profreeding."

Perhaps these folks are also the writers of blogs. After all, we keep writing these things, often with no readers and no feedback. Got to go. I just found a typo in this article about noodling for Electric Eels.

Email Names

2005-10-30T07:20:00.000-05:00

On a whim today, I took some time to look at my Bulk Mail Folder, which contains the junk emails my ISP automatically deletes for me. There was a special junk email there from a Whistling Panging. As Shakespeare said, "What's in a name?" When it comes to junk emails, apparently everything. Do these people think we won't notice that they have assumed weird names and automatically delete them? Do they not know that they false names they are picking are not even near common names and therefore subject to suspicion?

As Forrest Gump said, "That's all I have to say about that." I need to go and see what my old buddy Whistling Panging has to tell me.

More "Seen Everything?"

2005-10-27T05:48:00.000-04:00

I have written before about product label warnings that are about obvious things. I heard two more yesterday. One was on a baby stroller and warned not to fold it while the kid was still in it. The other was on a toilet bowl brush and warned that it was not to be used as a tooth brush. It should not be used as a back scratcher either. Perhaps a book should be written about Product Warnings for Dummies.

Starlet Brite

2005-10-24T21:27:00.000-04:00

A recent magazine had a picture of Suzy Starlet on it's cover, along with the caption, "Suzy Starlet, Down to earth and really funny." I looked at Suzy's picture and then the caption several times. I waited for some reaction from my brain other than the blank I was drawing. Then it occurred to me...the reason I had no reaction was that I did not know who Suzie Starlet was. The magazine that is older than I am, has moved on and kept up with the world.

It seems that Suzie was the star of one of those blonde movies that I have never seen and will never see. Like I really care. Then I remembered that I do not really care about any of these so called stars. I do not care what happens to Jennifer and Brad, Lassie and Buddy, Curly and Moe or Jane and Jack, and I do not understand anyone other than their parents caring. I did not understand the attention paid to Princess Diana, the exwife of the potential figurehead of England. I also do not understand the popularity of race car drivers, ball players, and TV weathermen. Of course, some of this reaction could come from my television commercial background, doing commercials with Johnny Bench and other personalities.

By the way, Suzy married male star, Phillip Georges in 1999. Another bit of starlet and star trivia...if you care.

Humor and Fun For Adults?

2005-10-14T21:22:00.000-04:00

I read somewhere that the average child laughs several hundred times a day, and the average adult laughs three times a day. Why the big difference? I think it is because children work at being happy, and adults work at work.

I had a boss, who was fond of saying, “We don’t go to fun, we go to work.” This top-level executive believed that work is not supposed to be fun. I think he has changed his mind about this. Years ago, when he made this statement, he was in a high-pressure job. Today, he has a home repair business, lives on a sailboat and is planning to join the Peace Corps. He says he is truly happy.

Work should be fun, but it can only be that way if we find something we are truly suited to do. Like my old boss, we should work at being happy.

Humorous Bad Greeting Cards

2005-10-14T20:59:00.000-04:00

The more I get to know you, the more I like my dog.

What I would like from you is a meaningful overnight relationship.

Sorry you are sick. It takes a real man to face what you’ve got.

Congratulations on your promotion. Try not to look surprised.

Sorry I killed your cat. Did you know they taste like chicken?

Conspiracy

2005-10-10T06:40:00.000-04:00

There is a vile plot afoot. A conspiracy, which many of us do not have a clue about. It has to do with the defective things we have all around us. I have discovered this plot, and told them about it when I went to the bank this past Saturday.

My wallet is defective. It leaks money. I go to the bank and put new money in it all the time, but it just seems to leak out on its own, with no hint of where it all went. Years ago, I had the same problem with the cases of bottled beer I bought. Somehow the tops popped off and the beer leaked out or evaporated into thin air.

If you watch carefully, you will see plenty of other examples of leakage in your everyday life. My latest observation was that I have a leaky refrigerator. Of course, I also have a teenage son. Examples are all around us. There is a vile plot afoot.

A Crappy Restaurant

2005-10-04T05:30:00.000-04:00

Just when you think you have seen everything, someone wrote to an advice column, asking if it was appropriate to change a baby's diaper in a fast food place on top of one of the tables. When the other customers were grossed out and said so, the mother went to the manager to complain about their rudeness. He told her it was OK. On top of it all, the changing/eating table was not disinfected or cleaned in any way afterward. The response on the part of the advice columnist was to complain to the local health department.

This is just another sign that more and more people do not have a clue. Most fast food restaurants of any size have a changing table in the restroom. Some even have them in both sexes' restrooms. The fact that the mother didn't get it, portends problems for others later. She is obviously the kind who thinks her kid's behind will never stink. Her complaint is another example of crude behavior being treated just the opposite of the way it should be treated.

But really, we should not wonder that she pushed the limits a bit. Human behavior is becoming more coarse. We could even say, our manners are going backward instead of improving. We see parents changing diapers in many public places. People attempt to walk and relieve their dogs wherever they want. Drivers cut off other drivers, and are given and return the finger to each other. Cell phone conversations take place in just about every public venue. Rapp music (an oxymoron) pounds our eardrums through closed windows. All Terrain Vehicles race up and down our streets and across our fields and back yards without permission and without a thought of how disruptive it is. In this mother's mind, this was just one more place where this activity could be done. And after all, everyone knows that restrooms are such dirty places.

Putting The Bite On Patients

2005-10-03T21:08:00.000-04:00

Today I was chewing on a small pretzel and broke a cusp off of a molar. It was a rather large and sharp piece. I was fortunate to have my dentist provide a temporary fix that would hold until I get a temporary crown next week. I will then have to wait a couple more weeks to get the permanent crown.

Afterward, I spoke to the person in the dentist office, who does the scheduling and billing. I asked her what the final cost would be for the three visits and crown. I learned my insurance will probably pay for about half of the approximately $900 total cost for the crown. I also learned from other people that this is about the normal cost for a crown.

I then began wondering why the high cost for this procedure. After all, there are probably four hours of my dentist's time involved. Then there is the salary of the assistant,who held the saliva sucker and other tools, and who mixed up the stuff that was packed into my mouth and cured. Of course, the crown has to be made, but how expensive can that be in a day and age when we are so concerned with keeping prices low. It still doesn't add up to $900.

The answer to my curiousity is probably similiar to the punch line to that old joke about the surgeon who upon receiving a request for an itemized bill, wrote, "Surgery $1,000. Knowing where and how to surge, $5,000." Cost for repairing my broken tooth, $450. Knowing how to repair it, $450. Just another way to put the bite on my wallet. I guess you could say, I am in favor of putting a cap on dental charges.

Quick Recovery

2005-10-02T08:21:00.000-04:00

I was listening to an oldies radio station last night, when the old favorite, "Take a Letter Maria" was played. In the song, the singer comes home, sees his wife in the arms of another man, is crushed, packs his bag and leaves. He then has Maria, his secretary take dication. The resulting letter says he won't be coming home and is sent to his wife and attorney.

The good part is at the end where he sings that Maria has been a good secretary and asks her out to dinner. I had to chuckle when it occured to me that this has to be the quickest recovery on record (now on CD). In two minutes, the song records tragedy and rebound. I wonder if Maria turned our hero down because he was on the rebound. Did we even recognize what rebound was when this song was recorded? Probably not, and probably most of our listeners thought that Maria did go out with him, and they became an item, and eventually got married. Of course, only after his divorce and a very short waiting period.

If the song were written today, our singer would be subject to a charge of sexual harassment, or at the very least warned of its potential. More than likely, he would not even have a secretary. Perhaps she would be an administrative assistant, and would remind him that he had his own computer, so he could write it himself and email it instantly to the intended recipients.

Things Not Planned

2005-09-24T14:07:00.000-04:00

I do not plan to do these things today.

Sleep in a bed of glue.
Clean my ears with steel wool.
Fly like an eagle.
Eat cornbread and snails.
Listen to my ex-wife complain to someone about me.

Giant Inventory Clearance

2005-09-20T07:21:00.000-04:00

The sign said, "Giant Inventory Clearance!!!" I wondered who would want to buy a giant. The radio ad advertised that the company had allowed themselves to become overstocked on framistans, so they were having a big sale to get rid of the excess. I worried about the company and if it was in danger of going down the tubes. Not!

How stupid do they think we are? Does this multi-million dollar company's advertising people expect us to believe they ordered replacement stock before they sold down their existing inventory to an acceptable level? Are they admitting they are so stupid they do not know the exact number of cars, mattresses or widgets they have in stock at any minute of the day? Do they think we do not know they have software which keeps track of these things and makes the information available with a computer keystroke?

Car dealers can at any day sell off excess inventory at an auction, and they do this frequently. They also advertise that they have sold so many new cars, they have allowed themselves to be overstocked with creampuff used cars that will make our mouths water. They also increase inventory by buying cars at auctions. I guess they do think we are fools. Owners of car dealerships can be some of the richest people in the community. They can become very successful when they have the right hook to bring us sheep into their dealerships. An area man started small by advertising that eggs and his cars were both cheaper in the country. His company now owns many dealerships, none of which continue the original cheaper in the country slogan, which pulled in many, many buyers. Today he is no longer doing business in the country. The city moved out to his dealerships.

There have been so many recent advances in mattress design and construction that my mind is boggled. And all of these advances are sold as the best (and it turns out, some of the most expensive) available. It seems as though they are also always having a sale. However, one local manufacturer has made a place in the mattress business by advertising their mattresses are made locally, using solid workmanship and heavier materials, which we can observe in the factory. His ads state there are no games, just reasonable prices and a quality product. He seems to have struck a chord with many who are tired of the old B.S. and just want some truth in advertising.

So there you have it. Right off the top of my head. Some of what I wrote is bad, and hopefully, some of it is good. You see, I had these excess words and needed an inventory clearance to get rid of some of them. I can give you a real deal on some overstocked humorous words.

Things Not To Do Today

2005-09-19T04:53:00.000-04:00

Step on a bananna peel.
Greet my friend Jack with "Hi, Jack!" when he arrives at the airport.
Sleep on a bed of nails.
Peel an onion while watching a sad movie.
Eat ice cream while on the way to a job interview.

Unpopular Humorous Greeting Cards

2005-09-18T07:05:00.000-04:00

I saw you across a crowded room...
and was glad we had no chance to meet.
.........................................
Birthdays are for loosers.
Happy Birthday to you!
.........................................
I heard you were sick.
Thank goodness something finally took you out of circulation.
...............................................................
When you asked us if you could join us,
I wondered if we were coming apart.
........................................
So you got a new job.
I hope you can finally keep this one.
........................................
Sorry to hear about your loss.
Three pounds is not that much.
........................................
So you broke up with your significant other.
That was real smart. Who will have you now?

Things Not To Do Today

2005-09-16T19:33:00.000-04:00

Humor In Doing Nothing.

Eat a snake. Certainly not uncooked.
Staple my foot to an elephant. Perhaps next week.
Hum a few bars of "Flight of the Bumble Bee" while in a pool of jello. Maybe if it were a pool of wine.
Set fire to my underwear. Although singing them would be OK.
Eat a fishsickle (frozen fish on a stick).

You Gotta Have Heart

2005-09-15T19:06:00.000-04:00

I heard recently that our Supreme Court Chief Justice nominee did not have the right kind of heart. That statement got me thinking. What does it mean? We seem to hold a lot of importance to statements about the heart. We say things like:

My heart is broken.
You gotta have heart.
I just did not have the heart to tell her.
I had a heavy heart.
I come to you with a heavy heart.
It breaks my heart to have to tell you this.

We even pledge allegiance to our flag by holding our hands across our hearts. Love is represented by stylized pictures of hearts.

All sorts of emotions are described to be related to the heart, when actually all the heart does is circulate blood throughout the body. This is a very important function, but it is its only function. All other statements about the heart are false because emotions are controlled by and caused by our brain and what we think about everyday things which come in contact with our five senses.

I guess this all goes back to hundreds of years ago when it was thought the heart was the center of the body and controlled our emotions. It is interesting that these sayings have continued to be handed down through the years and are still used as though the heart had some emotional control over us when the brain is the organ that influences our emotions.

It gives one a strange feeling to try to give the brain proper credit for emotions in our every day speech. For example, one would never think to say, "She left me and broke my brain." One would never hear, "You gotta have brain." And one would never say, "It breaks my brain to have to tell you this, but your boyfriend made a pass at me." Of course, "We ate a brainy meal." would never be said.

Please forgive this heartless attack on how we use the heart to describe our emotions.

More Bad Ideas For Greeting Cards

2005-09-12T19:14:00.000-04:00

You're too fat.
How about that!
......................
Sorry to hear your cat got run over by a car.
Let it dry out in the sun and you can use it for a frisbee!
............................................................
Sorry to hear you lost your job,
And your unemployment insurance ran out.
Have you considered suicide?
.............................
So your dog has worms.
Now you can take him fishing.
...............................
Get well soon,
So you can help me move to a new apartment.
............................................
To the graduate.
Cannot find a job?
The armed forces are hiring.

Bad Ideas For Greeting Cards

2005-09-06T22:51:00.000-04:00

Things you never see on greeting cards.

Happy Anniversary!
How could you marry someone with such bad breath!
************************************************
Get well soon.
You need to get back to work cause you owe me money.
************************************************
Sorry to hear
That your dog attacked a skunk.
************************************************
Roses are red.
Violets are blue.
If I were boring,
I'd be like you.
************************************************
Life is like an onion...
You peel away one layer,
And there's still more tears.
************************************************
We've been friends for years.
Frankly, I wonder why.

Life's Ups and Downs

2005-09-05T12:01:00.000-04:00

I read a motivational article in a popular magazine this morning. In it, a woman was telling her story and how she worked through a not too difficult life situation (at least it seemed so to me). Her picture was included in the article along with the caption, "Jane has survived life's ups and downs." I wanted to add, "Well, duh! So far!" What choice did she have, surviving or not surviving; and we ultimately don't survive, do we?

All of this got me thinking that as my epitaph, I might like to have written, "He did not survive life's ups and downs." It makes more sense doesn't it?

The Meanings Of Words Are In People, Not In The Dictionary

2005-09-04T09:47:00.000-04:00

It is amazing how the meanings of words have become twisted, so that words come to mean other things. An example is the Katrina tradegy in the South. It is a terrible thing to have happen, but instead of calling these unfortunate people evacuees or victims, they are being called refugees. The last time I checked, a refugee was someone who was forced out of his country, usually by a war, terrorists, or a different government. These people are victims of a horrible disaster and are being evacuated from their city until it is safe to return. They are not refugees from Pol Pot, Fidel Castro, or the Mayor of New Orleans, although one wonders about the that last one. What political agenda can and will be served by calling them refugees?

Will a future interview with one of these Katrina victims start like this? "Coming up next, we will be talking with Joe Destroyed, a refugee from the policies of the US Government and its President, who used the disaster of Hurricane Katrina to disinfranchise millions of refugees from their votes, homes, and families. But first a word from our sponsor."

We have seen similiar things happen in the past. The Rain Forest used to be referred to as a jungle. When it was discovered that people could not get excited about saving "The Jungle", a substitute phrase was created, and now "Rain Forest" has become the way to say it. Call me old fashioned, but I still want to call it a jungle, and there are times when it seems to be the best and only choice. Can you imagine Tarzan coming home to Jane, who asks him about his day. Tarzan's reponse could never be, "I've got to tell you Jane, it's a rain forest out there!"

Things Not To Do During The Holiday Weekend

2005-09-03T14:29:00.000-04:00

Humor In Doing Nothing

1. Give a virus to a computer.
2. Ask for a price check at the dollar store.
3. Play pin the tail on a wild pig.
4. Wonder why there is no such thing as rye cookies.
5. Trap a wolverine in a cardboard box.
6. Try not to think about things that are better left unthought.
7. Check to see if I have any moles on my back.
8. Talk back to my other personality.

NASCAR Freeway - Humor In Speeding

2005-09-02T13:16:00.000-04:00

Labor Day Weekend
As I drove home today, I set the cruise control on my car for 65 miles per hour, the legal speed limit. I was driving in the slow lane, but had several drivers come up behind me and ride the bumper of my car before impatently passing me. Dozens of cars nearly blew the doors off of my car as they raced toward the weekend's activities, their drivers no doubt griping about the high price of gasoline, while their cars sucked up gas like hogs.

"Darn it, Harry, gas was $3.09 a gallon at that last place we stopped to fill up, and this thing only got 15 miles per gallon. I don't understand, it's supposed to get 25 miles per gallon on the road. How long till we get there?"

"Well, Babe, the cruise is set for 80, so unless we come up on a traffic jam, we should be there in three hours. I can remember years ago, it used to take 4-5 hours to take this trip. Since the roads have been improved, it hardly takes any time at all."

Things Not To Do Today

2005-09-01T22:06:00.000-04:00

I definately do plan to do these things today:
1. Walk barefoot in mashed potatoes.
2. Be pessimistic. It wouldn't do any good anyway.
3. Skydive for the first time if I am having a bad day.
4. Take a sleeping pill and a laxative before going to bed.
5. Get in bed with a mosquito.

No Problem

2005-08-28T09:22:00.000-04:00

Am I one of the few people bothered by the epidemic replacement of the phrase "You're welcome" with "No problem"? One hardly hears a sincerely meant response to thanks any more. Instead, when you thank someone for service provided, the response is "No problem". Where did this phrase come from, and when did it creep in and subititute itself for the more polite "You're welcome"?

To tell someone there is no problem, means there might have been a problem or there could be a problem, but you are ignoring your rights to protest.

"Mr. Brown, we stopped your car because this is a checkpoint for drivers who might be driving under the influence. Do you mind stepping out of the car and walking a straight line?" "No probleemo, Ossifer."

"Mr. Jones, in order to cash your $2.00 check, I will need to see your ID and five credit cards." "Reeely!Well then, no problem."

"Son, before I can let you date my daughter, you are going to have to show me documentation you are disease free." "No problem, sir."

"Heel, Killer! Down boy! Sir, our drug dog has keyed in on this bag. Do you mind if we search it? Killer, down!" "Keep it away from me! Errrrrr, no problem!"

I can see using the no problem response in situations where the service provided was above and beyond the call of duty. "Joe, I certainly appreciate your coming in on your day off and tearing the engine of my car apart in order to fix it, but then to only charge me for parts... well you have my undying thanks and gratitude." "No problem. (And I hope this gets me to first, second, and third bases and home plate when I ask you out)".

Several years ago, I stayed at the Ritz Carlton Hotel in West Palm Beach, Florida. It was a work-related event, and the hotel had just opened. One afternoon, I asked one of their employees to direct me to the location of my next meeting. The hotel employee guided me within sight of the meeting room, and when I thanked her, her respoonse was, "It was my pleasure." I commented on the politeness of her response, and she told me all of their employees had been trained to respond in that manner to a thank you. What a neat way to say, "You're welcome" as opposed to "No problem".

It was my pleasure to write today's blog, and it created no problem with me to write it. You're welcome to read and enjoy it as many times as you wish.

More Things Not To Do Today

2005-08-27T11:16:00.000-04:00

1. Create the illusion of ignorance.
2. Smoke a carrot.
3. Tell a man wearing camouflage that I see him.
4. Clean my ears with an icepick.
5. Ask my boss' wife if she has gained weight.
6. Have my nose enlarged.
7. Pick an outfit in which to dress down.
8. Jiggle the handle.
9. Begin saving navel lint for a throw pillow.
10. Say, "No problem," whenever someone thanks me.

http://alvisgogwecker.blogspot.com/ - Blog Humor

2005-08-26T10:16:00.000-04:00

TGIF BHISBMA - Thank goodness it's Friday, but heck, it'll soon be Monday again!

I have another blog at http://alvisgogwecker.blogspot.com/ ... it is about the adventures of a country boy from Hootin Holler, a town in a nearby state, as he adjusts to the "big city" and looks for work.

You can also connect to it from my profile on this blog.

Things I DO NOT intend to do tomorrow.

1. Much of anything because it will be Saturday.
2. Stay awake.
3. Avoid adult beverages.
4. Avoid parties.
5. Stand in the rain during the predicted thunderstorms.
6. Rack my brain trying to come up with material for a blog with only a few loyal readers.
7. Make candles from earwax.
8. Make candy from earwax.
9. Use earwax as a replacement for carving bar soap.

Things

2005-08-26T09:55:00.000-04:00

Things I Do Not Plan To Do Today
1. Get head lice.
2. Race fleas in a shoe box. This one reminds me of a story I wrote once about having a pet flea named Itchy. In the story, Itchy lived in a matchbox in my pocket. He had once performed acrobatics in a flea circus, but had to retire when a needle fell on one leg. He then had an artificial leg made from a splinter, but that was eaten by a termite. I guess that made him accident prone. Itchy then had an artificial leg made from a synthetic fiber, which made it the first Permanent Press leg in the world.

Itchy eventually married a female flea named Kitchy and they had a baby flea named Koo, which was another accident. Itchy and his family rejoined the flea circus and called their act Itchy, Kitchy, Koo. It was not a real popular act with adults, but kids loved it.

More things:
3. Pick a scab.
4. Ride a bull in a rodeo.
5. Check to see if I was adopted.

Do You Blog?

2005-08-26T01:01:00.000-04:00

The other day I made the mistake of telling someone "I blog." "You what?" Was the reply, said as though I had scratched my butt in front of the queen. Millions of people are blogging, and millions of people have no idea what we are talking about when we mention blogs. Millions of blogs are going unread, including this one. Bloggers unite! Clean up your act. Encourage others to have their three minutes of fame. Get with the program. We must not rest until there are billions of bloggers and billions of unread boring blogs.

No Way I Will Do These Things Today

2005-08-25T00:34:00.000-04:00

Root for the loser home team.
Scramble eggs with skunk cabbage.
Say, "I like love you."
Hum along with muzak while on hold on the telephone.
Read signs out loud as I drive by.
Get high on life.
Buy MRE's for lunches at work.
Have a wet dream about Phyllis Diller.
Call my boss' wife a slut.

Things Not To Do Today

2005-08-23T21:32:00.000-04:00

Start a fan club for serial killers.
Write a book about things nobody cares about.
Stand on my head in a pigpen.
Use the phrase PIN Number instead of PIN.
Go to group therapy in a prison.
Hum "Happy Birthday" while eating snails.
Eat snails.

Still More Things To Avoid Doing Today

2005-08-20T10:34:00.000-04:00

Things I do not plan to do today.
1. Get a massage from a gorilla.
2. Walk barefoot on hot coals.
3. Look a gift horse in the mouth.
4. Look any horse in the mouth.
5. Look anything in the mouth. Now I want to make an appointment to see my dentist.

More Things

2005-08-19T10:22:00.000-04:00

Some Things I Do Not Plan To Do Today
1. Don't plan not to do some things today.
2. Pee over my apartment balcony.
3. Drive the legal speed limit. To do so would mean I would be passed by everyone on the road.
4. Kiss a frog.
5. Kiss a toad.
6. Kiss off.
7. Estimate the Statue Of Liberty's bra size.

No plans for these today

2005-08-18T11:22:00.000-04:00

Things I do not plan to do today.
1. Stuff Linberger cheese up my nostrils and go tease a skunk.
2. Drive to work in reverse.
3. Pick my nose while humming the theme from CSI Las Vegas.
4. Let out a primal scream in the library.
5. Let out a primal whisper in the library.

Things

2005-08-17T11:33:00.000-04:00

Things I do not plan to do today.
1. Staple my foot to a board.
2. Get involved in a food fight.
3. Search for and get higher levels of bad cholesterol.
4. Root for the losing team.
5. Get more flies with honey than vinegar. Or get more flies with manure than with honey for that matter.

More Things

2005-08-15T03:48:00.000-04:00

More things I do not plan to do today.
1. Shake a tree with a porcupine in it.
2. Break wind near an open flame.
3. Run naked down main street.
4. Run down main street.
5. Sniff my armpit.

Today

2005-08-13T10:11:00.000-04:00

Things I Do Not Plan To Do Today
1. Go to the zoo and smell the Elephant House.
2. Then go to the aquarium and tease the killer whales through the glass.
3. Put a mouse in my shorts.
4. Sneeze the Theme From Shaft.
5. Sneeze Chopsticks.
6. Eat an onion sandwich.
7. Get on a crowded elevator and say, "Hope it doesn't crash."
8. Step on every sidewalk crack.
9. Dance the night away.
10. Pull the mask of the Lone Ranger.

Even More Things I Do Not Plan To Do Today

2005-08-11T10:21:00.000-04:00

1. Invent an onion-flavored toothpaste.
2. Pronounce "Nuclear" as "new-cu-ler".
3. Eat a gravysickle (frozen gravy on a stick).
4. Walk on broken glass.
5. Stick my tongue into an electric socket.
6. Stick my tongue onto a frozen flag pole.
7. Throw rocks at a hornet's nest or a grizzly bear.
8. Tug on superman's cape.
9. Have "Hiney" tatooed on one buttock.
10. Have "Git er done" tatooed on the other buttock.

More Things I Do Not Plan To Do Today

2005-08-10T10:08:00.000-04:00

Here are some more things I decided not to plan to do today.
1. Spit into the wind.
2. Honk repeatedly while driving behind a group of Hells Angels.
3. Tease a rattlesnake. Perhaps something to save for tomorrow.
4. Gargle with sauerkraut. Could make a nice sound.
5. Swim naked in a pool filled with Piranaha. That hurts to even think about.
6. Tease a rattlesnake.
7. Stand under a flock of seagulls. Look Honey, it's snowing!
8. Swallow a spider. Cause it would probably tickle.
9. Roll in Poison Ivy.
10. Play Russian Roulette. I don't own a gun.

Things I Do Not Plan To Do Today

2005-08-09T10:29:00.000-04:00

Here are several things I do not plan to do today.

1. Change my cell phone's ringtone to "Urrraagghhh.....Urrraagghhh!"
2. Tell my wife's boss she has nice ta ta's and would look good in a thong.
3. Drag race a cop.
4. Scratch my back with a toilet bowl brush.
5. Drive to work in the suicide lane.
6. Wear speedos backward...in fact, even wear speedos.
7. Cool down after exercising, and pick my toenails.

Keeping Track

2005-08-09T00:56:00.000-04:00

Beware! They are trying to keep track of you. We are being watched by big business and big government. You can get your free credit report on line at any time. In some areas, they can track you when you use your cell phone. You can install a GPS device on your car that will keep track of it within a few yards. If daddy looks and sees junior is not at the library, then the car will get taken away.

Large grocery store chains are keeping track of our purchases when we use their discount cards. It would not surprise me if one day I was stopped in the produce section of BuyFoodMart and told I was not purchasing and eating enough broccoli. This should not happen because I have taken the precaution of not providing my real name to them, preferring names like Seymour Butz and Rolls Canardly. I also buy broccoli just to throw them off. The customer service person, who gets people to sign up for the card, never seems to pay attention to what name I write. If they ever insist on seeing my Driver’s License, I am in deep manure. I will be ostracized for falsifying my name in order to get a Groger Discount Card.

Our government purchases lists of names from the warranty cards we mail in for battery operated toothbrushes, nail files and navel vacuums. Most of them ask for a date of birth, ostensibly for marketing purposes to see what age groups are purchasing their products. I seldom provide my real date of birth, or income, often making myself much younger, richer and better looking. As a result of this practice, I recently received a notice reminding me I had to register for Selective Service. I wrote back and asked why they wanted to draft someone they had already sent a draft notice to over 30 years ago. They are still mulling that one over six months later.

Citizens revolt! It is a “Garbage In, Garbage Out” world. Provide them with enough inaccurate garbaged data, and there’s no way the world will beat a path to your door, because you live somewhere else. You will get the last laugh even though you are older, poorer and not as good looking as your fake persona.

Getting Caught In The Rain

2005-08-06T15:53:00.000-04:00

This morning, while running some errands, I got caught in the rain. It was a real downpour, and I was soaking wet. As I was driving home, my damp clothes reminded me of what I used to say about getting wet.
Back in the sixties, the techniques for reducing wrinkles in laundered clothes were very new and primitive. The first such process was called Wash and Wear. Clothes that were labeled Wash and Wear were better than those that had not been put through that process. Whenever I got wet or it threatened rain, I began saying a little rain did not bother me because I was Wash and Wear.
When Permanent Press came into being in the seventies, I began saying that I did not worry about getting wet because I was Permanent Press. It is a new century, and there is a new and much better process for treating clothes. However, when clothes treated with this process was introduced, I realized I would never be able to call myself Wrinkle Free.

Seen Everything?

2005-08-01T09:49:00.000-04:00

Just when you think you have seen or heard everything, something happens to reduce your faith in humanity one more notch.

I have a friend, who swears he knows this to be true. He knows a man who found an orphaned baby raccoon. The baby coon was so small it was still nursing. After trying the baby bottle bit without much success, the man's wife, who was nursing her own baby, decided to try to nurse the coon with her own equipment. The experiment was a success, and the man went around bragging about her service to the animal coon. In terms of common sense, I don't know which was worse, the actual act or the bragging about it.

I read the label of my microwave lunch the other day before heating it. It read, "Product will be hot after heating." I thought, "Duh!" After hearing about the woman nursing the coon, I am surprised we are not given more elementary warnings about what not to do in our everyday life. I will have to read instructions on products more. There may be more humor out there than I thought.

Philosophy 101 And Reality

2005-07-28T08:37:00.000-04:00

Reality

Reality is Mind.
Reality is Matter.
If I could know Reality,
I wouldn't use this patter.

Reality, Reality, there's nothing like Reality

It's just a criminality, that's said to be finality.

Those who believe in it, say it's gain.
Those who don't, contend it's pain.
Where's the fence between the twain?

Guess I'll just remain insane,
And eat my flies, wingless, plain,
Unsalted by Reality.

Why Do They Do That?

2005-07-26T20:23:00.000-04:00

It happened again today. I was backing my car out of a parking space, and several people walked behind the car while it was moving. Why do they do that? One has to presume they also have backed their cars out of spaces and had near misses with pedestrians. Do people disconnect from the world around them in the short time it takes to get out of their own cars and walk through the parking lot? I think people just don't think. I have had similiar things happen when backing into parking spaces.

The other day, a car drove behind me as I was backing into a parking space. Last year, a car pulled in behind me as I was turning my pickup truck around at a gasoline pump. I did not see her car and backed into it. Then she accused me of causing the accident. Fortunately, a witness came to my rescue, telling me it was not my fault. A week later, I was backing my van into a parking space at work, and a man pulled his car into the space. I parked and told him what he had done. He had no idea he might have caused an accident. Recently, I observed a car back out of a parking space and hit another car, which had just backed out of its space. I have also seen several accidents involving cars that backed out of opposite spaces in parking lots at the same time.

SUV's, pickups and vans do not have the best visibility. The next time people cross behind me while I am backing up my vehicle, I think I will honk the horn like a nut so they actually see me coming. Then maybe their thinking might be, "Oh my, that man is trying to hit me with his car." At least it will get their attention, and in the future, they may stop walking behind vehicles which are backing up because they may contain crazy drivers trying to run them down.

I don't think I'll ever know why they do that.

Pearl In The Rough

2005-07-25T09:56:00.000-04:00

Pearl In The Rough

He thought of her,
"She's a pearl,
I'd like to get to
know that girl."

But when they kissed
inside the cloister,
instead of a pearl,
he found an oyster.

Another Typical Blog

2005-07-23T09:53:00.000-04:00

I have to do a blog a day.
Even if I've nothing to say.
So I'll do it anyway.
Completing my task this a-way.

A Typical Blog

2005-07-22T18:22:00.000-04:00

I have been doing some blog research since I started the two I write. I am amazed at how dull some of them are. Of course, there are others that are quite good. The dull and boring ones seem to run like this:

"Hi. Another day in blogdom. I got up at 5:30AM, stretched, yawned, and went to the bathroom. Then I had a glass of water. Did you ever think about how important water is? I do. I shaved, and cut myself, which is hard with an electric razor. Had some trouble picking the color of my briefs, but wanted to coordinate with my jeans, so picked the blue ones.

Breakfast was next. I had one of those granola bars. Not the kind that has no nutrition, but one with a whole lof of vitamins and minerals. I spent quite a bit of time researching, and you would be surprised how many granola bars are basically just roughage. Yet, they are still popular.

After breakfast, I drove to work. I tried something different today, and set my car's cruise control at 65 mph. I did not pass another car on the way to work, but hundreds of other cars passed me. When I arrived at work, I was 21 minutes early, so I went to the bathroom again. One has to start the day right. Work was pretty normal. For lunch I went to Wendy's and had trouble deciding on the sides, but finally got a salad and fries and a cup of water.

Back from lunch, I went to the bathroom again before bearing down on the whole workaholic thing!. LOL! I know I sound like I don't like my job, but I do. Finished work at 5:00PM on the dot, and drove straight home. Wanted to get started on my daily blog writing! It's 6:30PM, and I am hungry. Will close for now, but there will be more later!"

Gee, I hope so. Will wait with baited breath, like the cat that ate the cheese and waited outside the mouse hole.

Trashy

2005-07-21T02:44:00.000-04:00

One evening last weekend, as I was driving past a small pickup truck loaded with things being moved, a small bookcase took flight from the bed of the pickup and landed on the street behind it. It broke into several pieces. The people in the pickup realized what had happened and slowed down as if to stop and pick it up. I drove on and watched them as they drove away from the trashed bookcase, leaving it for the people driving behind them to deal with. For all anyone knows, it might have caused an accident.

This incident reminded me of an article I read several years ago about roadside trash. The writer interviewed a roadside trash expert, who stated that 25% of the trash found along freeways and roads came from the back of pickup trucks. How he got that figure, I don't know, but having seen plenty of furniture and other articles on the sides of roads, I don't doubt it. The obvious question here is, haven't other drivers seen this same stuff, and if so, why don't people learn from the mistakes of others. It is almost like there is a disconnect here. Do people forget they have seen the destroyed property of others? Do they want to gamble it won't happen to them? Perhaps they can't afford a two dollar package of rope. This all seems to obvious to me.

The most fascinating trash displayed on the freeway was women's underwear. I have on two occasions seen bras and panties spread along a 100 yard stretch of freeway. The fascinating thing about it was that someone picked it up within a day or two. I wondered if the owner made a trip back from Florida just to locate her undies, or if someone else stopped to claim these prizes.

Other commonly seen items are, chairs, drawers, coolers and their tops, plastic buckets and plastic gas containers. Again, one would think the frequency in appearance of these items along our roads would be a warning to anyone who planned to haul similiar items in the back of a truck. I wonder if any thought was given at all about securing these things. I cannot imagine anyone thinking, "I'm going to be driving down the road at 80 miles per hour, guess the stuff in the back will be safe. No need to tie it down." In some cases, pickup truck disposal may be preferable to leaving it for the trash man to haul away. It is certainly a quicker and more guaranteed way of getting rid of it, cause sometimes the trash man doesn't want your trash. So put it in the back of your pickup to leave for the road crews to dispose of.