Resolutions I can Keep

On New Year’s Eve, many of us make resolutions that we are certain to break. Why not make some resolutions that you will never, ever, ever break? Here are some resolutions I will never break.

I will not to wash a dog in church.
I will not pinch a gorilla on the butt.
I will not stuff cheese in my ears.
I will not swim in syrup.
I will not nail my foot to the ceiling.
I will not blow my nose on a jellyfish.
I will not paint my fingernails with atomic waste.
I will not scratch a match on a gasoline pump.
I will not drive my car into a volcano.
I will not stuff a whale up my nose.
I will not catch fish with my tongue.