No Way I Will Do These Things Today

Root for the loser home team.
Scramble eggs with skunk cabbage.
Say, "I like love you."
Hum along with muzak while on hold on the telephone.
Read signs out loud as I drive by.
Get high on life.
Buy MRE's for lunches at work.
Have a wet dream about Phyllis Diller.
Call my boss' wife a slut.